I never would have anticipated the direction my life would go in on what, otherwise, was a normal working day for me back in 2006. While taking a break at work, I entered the employee lounge to see a coworker of mine at the table with a concerned look on her face. We hadn’t really spoken to each other, up to this point, apart from your normal office pleasantries. I said “Hello” and the usual, “How are you?”everybody says to each other. Expecting to hear the normal, “Hello, I am fine,” in response, I was surprised when she said that she wasn’t doing so well. Inquiring further, she confided to me that her marriage was in trouble and she was going through a divorce. Feeling as though the Lord was presenting me with an opportunity to give her some hope, and restore her a bit, I did as best I could, in the short amount of time we had, to let her know that her struggles were not a reflection of how God felt about her. Being a Christian, herself, she appreciated it. Slowly, but surely, our friendship began to blossom, although, nobody at work knew we were fast becoming friends. I tried my best to keep most of our conversations focused on the things of the Lord in the hope that her marriage would be healed. I was weary of our relationship becoming more serious because, although separated, she was still a married woman. Lord knows the last thing I wanted to do was engage in adulterous activity or, at the very least, be guilty of being one who was trying to “enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down by sins (2 Timothy 3:6).”
It was around this same time, August 2006, that my mother was diagnosed with cancer. My friend, despite dealing with her own troubles surrounding her marriage and raising a teenage daughter, found it within herself to support me during this time. She cooked for me and was always their to talk to me and help me deal with the traumatic event I was going through. Once her divorce was official, I felt more comfortable spending time with her. However, this presented even more problems. When the opportunity presented itself we would hang out together, going on dates and spending time together. On more than one occasion I found myself alone with her, far from home and in the middle of the night. Because we had become close and began caring for each other more deeply, she was concerned about me taking the long trip home for fear that I may fall asleep at the wheel. My concern wasn’t falling asleep at the wheel, but staying the night with her and giving the flesh an opportunity. Eventually, the flesh won out. Uncomfortable with the turn our relationship had taken, we constantly battled with wanting to “flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18)”and separate from each other or, since we couldn’t control ourselves, decide if we should marry each other since “it is better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9).” This went on for quite some time as I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I couldn’t deny that I had feelings for her, but wasn’t necessarily ready to get married either. Especially, since she was so close to having just had her previous marriage end.
Eventually, she made her feelings for me known, but I was less forthcoming with mine. Not because I didn’t feel the same, but because I was trapped in fear! The fear wasn’t so much because I was trapped in a sin. My fear was that in order for me to be with her, I worried that I would have to deal with much more than the usual obstacles a relationship normally presents. At least what I would consider a normal relationship. She was older than me, had one of her two daughters living at home, financial obligations I wasn’t sure I could handle and the fact that I live with, and take care of, my elderly father, added another dimension. These all have varying degrees of legitimacy to them, but my biggest fear was that we weren’t of the same race! I know that sounds irrational, especially for a Christian. And it is. After all, we are both believers and that is all that matters in the eyes of God. But, I never realized until this relationship started how much the attitudes of my upbringing still effected me. I had never dated someone who wasn’t black until now. I have relatives who aren’t shy about their feelings towards inter-racial dating. And I wasn’t sure that I was ready to be a “maverick” and take them on with this challenge. It is all irrational when I think about it, but it was real to me. I loved this woman, she loved me, we get along great, her daughter respected me, my father liked her, my brother, effectively, gave me the green light to pursue the relationship, but I was guilty of “paralysis by analysis.” I could battle a legalist over the grace of God, take on an atheist over the fact of God and defend the uniqueness and truth of Christianity with any unbeliever. But, I could overcome my own fears in order to be with the woman I loved! She was the perfect example of 1 Corinthians 13 love. As much as a person can be, she was patient, kind, unselfish, forgiving, trusting, hopeful and encouraging. In fact, she is the sole reason behind why I started writing publically about my faith. The things I have written to her helped her so much she thought others should share in it as well. But, like with all of us, her patience eventually ran out and she decided to move on with her life. I couldn’t believe, and still can’t, why I didn’t snatch her up for myself. It is so easy to give advice, but not as easy to live out the advise you give despite how true you know it to be.
The Bible says that there “is no fear in love... But, perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18).” Our relationship is a perfect example of this truth. It is ironic that one of the reasons we got so close was because I helped her through a time in her life when she had been hurt and afraid of being alone. Yet, I lost her because I was afraid to be together and now I am hurt and alone. It made me ask myself, “What do you do when you fail yourself?” So often Christianity is portrayed as believers going out and helping a hurting world because we have been healed in Christ. This is true, but sometimes the true meaning of what Jesus accomplished for us is only understood when we experience a self-inflicted wound. Because this relationship I was in didn’t start out the way I was used to, didn’t develop in the way in which I would have preferred and was with a woman I was not used to being involved with, I ended up single. We are still great friends and I can only hope that one day I may get a second chance to do it right. But, I am glad that through it all, it drove me closer to the Lord. It brought to mind just how much listening to the wrong people can influence a person instead of listening to the Lord. However, in the midst of all I have been through I can only thank God that nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:39) and most of all that “God, who has called [me] into fellowship with His Son, is faithful (1 Corinthians 1:9).” My prayer is that my experience will help some of you realize that despite our mistakes and the fact that life isn’t perfect, no matter how much we wish it were, that God is faithful, will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5) and will always be with you in the midst of your troubles; even when you bring those troubles on yourself.
God Bless
No comments:
Post a Comment