Q: I`ll tell you right now, this is a long question. This isn't necessarily a general question, but one very specific to my situation. I don`t mean to burden you with something that you`d probably suggest I ask the pastor of my church, but there is no church I`m regularly attending and no pastor that I know well enough to trust their judgement. And I've never been good at praying and knowing if/when prayers are answered. If answering my question is something you`d rather not do, that`s fine. I`ll understand. But I figured I`d ask on here anyway because, based on the questions and answers I've read on this website, I sincerely trust the judgement of those who are giving the answers.
As far as my question, it concerns the commandment to honor thy parents. Basically, my dad has always been, for lack of a better word, a jerk to myself and my mom. It`s not in a physically abusive way. It`s more emotionally abusive, in the sense that, with any situation dealing with money, his interests always get put ahead of anyone else`s.
He's always made plenty of money, and it`s not like I`d ask for a million dollars. Believe me, I've never asked to be spoiled or showered with gifts or anything. But he would just always put his financial well-being, I should say more like excessive financial well-being, above anyone else`s emotional or, really, overall well-being, I guess is the best way to describe it. And his financial well-being was never in jeopardy, he`s just very selfish and possessive with the money he makes. And although he does give to certain church organizations, he also denied his adopted sister financial help a couple years ago, citing a lack of money, which he could've got if he really wanted to, and allowed her to die from cancer. His mood can change whether he is feeling giving or not. Even with my mom having a bad back and when she really shouldn't be working, he forced her to get a job by not giving her any money for anything except some for groceries, and even then she`d have to borrow from me. He didn't even help pay for her chiropractor visits.
Now, she divorced him 1 1/2 years ago, and has been struggling to make it on her own ever since. I live with her at the moment, oh and I have two younger brothers that live with my dad whom he treats fine, and am probably going to be helping to take care of her for the rest of her life. I`m 23 and she`s 49. Which is fine, I don`t have a problem with that. I have a strange confidence that I will be financially blessed and will be able to take care of her easily. I do have a problem with the way he`s treated me and her though.
The thing is, I want to have a normal relationship with him. And it`s not that I can`t. I could call him, email him, visit him right now if I wanted. But I guess I feel that there is a conflict of interests, because even though I want everything to be normal, I don`t want to pretend that everything is fine and dandy with the way he`s acted and is still acting, because it`s not. I think that, just as there are consequences for people`s actions and decisions, there should be consequences for his. I don`t want to make it seem as though there shouldn't be and that I just accept his decisions as the right ones. And I`m not sure what to do. It`s impossible for me to not feel at least some sort of resentment towards him for his actions, some of which still affect me. My mom of course feels the same way, and my dad actually feels that my mom is the one that destroyed their marriage, at fault for everything, etc. Trust me, she`s always tried to do as much as she could for us. He just never felt that it was enough.
So my question is, is it possible to `honor` my dad and have a normal relationship with him even with the way my mom and myself have been treated and our current feelings for each other? If so, how? If it`s better that I just not have any sort of relationship with him until he `learns his lesson`, that`s fine, I can accept that. But I want to forgive him and move on and have a normal relationship, and I could right now if that`s what I should do, but I don`t know how to, or if I even should, with my mom and myself in less than ideal situations, especially vulnerable situations financially, largely because of him, and with the fact that he sees nothing wrong with anything he`s done. He considers himself to be a very generous `Christian` person. Again, if this is too much to try to answer, that`s fine. I`ll understand. Thanks.
A: Let me begin by expressing my sorrow for the difficult situation you are having with your dad. It may not be of comfort to you, but you are not alone in your struggles. Many people, Christian or otherwise, experience problems dealing with one or more of their parents. I am not sure if you will ever have a "normal relationship" with your father. My primary reason for saying that is because it takes two people to have a relationship and the definition of normal can mean different things to different people. In your case it appears that by "normal relationship" you mean one where your dad spends his money to your liking. If he would have spent his money on the things you felt he should have, and in the manner in which you feel he should, it seems you would not be as upset with him. But, you must realize it is his money to do with as he pleases. If there is some problem your dad has that leads to him spending his money in the manner he does then, ultimately, that is something he will have to work through with God. However, you are an adult now, and since you say you feel you will be able to take care of your mother as she grows older, be thankful for that.
The Bible says that "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28)." It doesn't say that those things God is using are good things. From our perspective they may be good, bad or somewhere in between. We may not even understand or ever see the outcome of what God has done. But, in your case be thankful that as bad as you feel your father has been to you, your mom and your family, you called him a jerk, that you seem to have made it to adulthood relatively unscathed by it all. That is something to be thankful for. My suggestion is that you forgive your dad for whatever wrongs you feel he has perpetrated against you and your family and move on with your life before you are consumed by the anger and frustration you feel towards him. In other words, press on, "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead (Philippians 3:13)." You can't change the past or control the behavior of others. In fact, your dad may not even think he has done anything wrong and may feel his actions are justified. Instead of wishing to control your dad's behavior, be an example to him by the way in which you behave towards him.
A close friend of mine once told me a story of how God revealed to him the power of forgiveness. My friend likes to fish without a pole, choosing to hold the fishing line in his hands as it dangles in the water. He tells of God reminding him of how it felt when a fish would grab the other end of the line and struggle to get free. Both he and the fish were locked in battle until either the fish broke free of the line or my friend wrestled it in the boat. My friend realized that as long as he held on to that line he was in bondage to the fish just as much as the fish was in bondage to him. Your anger and frustration towards your dad has you in bondage. Until you let that go you will miss out on what life has in store for you. Ephesians 4:32 says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Do you realize how much God, in Christ, has forgiven you? Every sin you will ever commit, from birth until death, was taken away for eternity at the cross. Therefore, we are told to extend the forgiveness we have received from God with those we encounter in life. I don't know how much your dad knows about how you feel about him. But, imagine what might happen to your relationship with him if you started bearing the fruits of kindness, compassion and forgiveness towards him.
You may not realize this, but as a Christian, and I am assuming you are one, you have a Father in Heaven. I would encourage you to explore all that you have been given by God the Father through faith in Jesus Christ. You have unconditional love, acceptance, meaning and purpose to life because of your faith in God. Money issues are a concern for all of us, especially the way things are going at the present time. God is aware of what you are dealing with. "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you (1 Peter 5:7)." Do you think the God of the Universe, who came to this earth as a man to die for you, cannot provide for you and take care of you? Let your Heavenly Father work in your heart to convince you that your focus should be on all He has given you and not what you desire from your earthly father. The fear that you have about finances and what your dad is not doing to alleviate those fears, can, and will, take your focus off God and His faithfulness to you. If you want to "honor" your dad, treat Him the way God has treated you. God in His love, according to 1 Corinthians 13, is patient, kind, not proud, not rude, is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs. Be that way with your dad. Share with him the love God has toward you and perhaps then you will begin to have the "normal relationship" you are longing to have with him. It all starts with you understanding your relationship with God, in Christ, and how God sees you and feels about you.
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