Q: I'm 22 years old I respect my parents equally but my relationship with my mom is not so well. It's to the point where I know the second I walk in the house I`m going to get in an argument with her for something. It's almost like everything I do is never up to her expectations. She also believes that I`m not serving God correctly and that the things I do like youth groups and college ministry are not enough. I know she`s my mom but she isn`t very motherly she just being a parent. I feel as though she doesn`t take me serious when I talk to her about my feelings or the need to fix our relationship. She can brag about other people and their kids but never with me it's a little my fault because I am never home but I avoid the house sometimes because I don`t want to argue with her anymore. I've prayed but nothing. Her attitude is bad and she says mean things sometimes that really hurt me even when I don`t say anything hurtful to her. I want my family to go to church together but my dad's a different religion and I feel like he doesn't care, my mom also doesn't give my girlfriend a chance either, she hardly talks to her. I also use this website to show my mom things but she disregards them but when she uses it then its fine, I`m at a loss I want `my old mom` back.
A: I am sorry to hear about your problem. You have touched on quite a few issues that you are dealing with from the expectations of your mother, her views about your relationship with God, your inability to be taken seriously by her, a stagnant prayer life, your dad's different religion, and his apparent disinterest in your situation all the way to your girlfriend being accepted. One common thread I see in all this is what appears to be misplaced dependencies and unrealistic expectations on the part of all involved. All of us were created by God to have the deepest desires of our heart for unconditional love and total acceptance fulfilled by Him. However, when we don't believe these desires are being met through our relationship with God we have no alternative, but to seek them either from the world or religion. And all the world or religion can offer us can only be achieved through some form of sin because in both cases the focus is on what we are doing in order to get the desires of our heart met from sources not able to provide it. And the Bible says that "everything that does not come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23)."
When we are trying to meet the desires of our heart apart from our relationship with Christ we usually identify ourselves with whatever it is we believe is going to meet those needs. In most cases, we identify ourselves through things like our occupation, our behavior or our religion. When it comes to our occupations people identify themselves as such things like businessmen, housewives or mothers, athletes, doctors or lawyers. Often our behavior, mostly negative, can be used to identify us. How many times have we heard an individual identified as an alcoholic, thief or murderer? And we have all heard the terms Baptist, Catholic, Methodist and so on to define our religious identity. However, none of these equate to a Christian's true identity. "Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God (John 1:12)." As children of God we are new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). As God's children we have an inheritance that comes along with our identity. It is in understanding who we are from God's perspective and all that He has given us through faith in Christ that will help us deal with issues like you are facing.
We are unconditionally loved by God. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39)." We are totally accepted by God. "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God (Romans 15:7)." When you know you are unconditionally loved and totally accepted by God how will that truth change your relationships with other people and how you engage the world? All children desire the love and acceptance of their parents. Many of us go to great lengths just to put a smile on their faces or get a pat on the back from them. Thus, when we believe we are not receiving these things from them no matter how hard we try or what we accomplish it can devastate us emotionally and spiritually. The same goes from the perspective of a parent. They can believe their worth as parents, even their love and acceptance by others and God, is tied to how successful their children are perceived to be. Unfortunately, there is never enough one can do to satisfy that insatiable desire at the depths of our heart.
Since your parents seem to be very religious, perhaps you can interest them in a Bible study on our identity in Christ. If that doesn't work, or you desire to do more, then write them a letter outlining how you are feeling. About a year before my own mother passed away, I wrote her a letter and gave it to her as part of her birthday gift. While my relationship with her was fine, I wasn't sure if she had a saving relationship with Jesus Christ and it bothered me. Previous attempts to talk to her were unsuccessful because, although she claimed to be a Christian, she wasn't comfortable discussing the things of the Lord due to her unfamiliarity with the Scriptures. In order to avoid being confrontational, and to ease my own fears about what she believed, I wrote the letter. She read it and said she understood what I was saying and thanked me for it. Satisfied, I never really addressed the situation again. I left it in God's Hands and just tried to be available to her in case she did want to talk. When she was dying from cancer she made a point of telling me that she was relying on her faith in Jesus to help her deal with the fear and pain. Her passing actually strengthened my faith in Christ as I saw Him working through her. Trust God to work out the issues with your mom and others. When you focus on your relationship with the Lord you will get your mom back as you all grow in your understanding of how He sees all of you.
Thank you for your question and may God continue to reveal to you the blessings you already have in Christ.
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