Young Love

Q: I just turned 21, oddly enough I never had a girlfriend, or asked one out. I always was nervous, maybe because of the divorce, and trying to figure out a way to explain the situation to a girl. I have some anxiety and allot of nervousness. I am in college, I know of many Christian girls, but I am too nervous to say anything to them about liking them. Truthfully, I always thought that if I pray about it, GOD will bring me to the right girl, if I am truly in His will for my life. I know that I need to use the brain GOD gave me, even if He does lead me to her, if I say nothing to her, it will all be meaningless. It`s hard because I am so nervous. Many girls smile at me, but I do not know what to do. Will God tell me what to do? My mom and her family think I am crazy, although they wont say so, I can tell. They have no idea how hard it is for my brother and I. Thank You for taking the time to read this!

A: Thanks for your question. My heart goes out to you and your brother regarding the pain you two are experiencing from the divorce. You are not crazy and your shyness towards girls is not something unique to you. Many young men struggle with talking to the opposite sex. I was similar myself when I was your age. One thing you have going for you is that you are a Christian. I was not at that time of my life. There is no magic answer that I can give to you that will give you the confidence or the words to speak to any young lady who you are attracted to. All I would say is not to be overly concerned about it as those things usually fall into place as time goes on. Often times in order to gain the attention and or acceptance of the opposite sex we can make ourselves vulnerable to doing things out of character and sinful in hopes it will result in winning the affections of the one we desire. The one area I would like to focus on is your statement about discovering God's will for your life.

Many Christians make the mistake in thinking that God's will is somehow tied to things like who we date or marry, where we go to school, where we live, what career to pursue and so on. It can paralyze an individual as they believe if they marry the wrong person they have somehow shifted some cosmic balance and will face God's wrath or that something like the divorce of a person's parents is God's will (i.e. punishment) as well. Furthermore, when you think about it who is usually the one who makes the determination of whether or not a person is in God's will? It is usually the individual themselves. They believe that if things work out to their satisfaction than they are in God's will and vice versa. That is a false belief to have. God's will can best be described as a description of the inheritance we have received as a result of the death of Jesus Christ. Hebrews 9:15 says, "For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant." God's will is the promised eternal inheritance we have received through faith in Jesus Christ.

What is a will? By definition, a will is "a legal declaration of a person's wishes as to the disposition of his or her property or estate after death." The Bible has a similar definition. "In the case of a will, it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a will is in force only when somebody has died; it never takes effect while the one who made it is living (Hebrews 9:16-17)." Therefore, we can now see that God's will for us is what He has given to us as a result of the death of Jesus Christ. As heirs we have a right to the inheritance He has given us. Amongst the inheritance we have received is the right to call ourselves new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17) who are unconditionally loved (Romans 8:39), totally forgiven (Colossians 2:13) and totally accepted (Romans 15:7) by God. God gave us all this and more as an inheritance so we would not seek it from any other source than Him. He created us to have the deepest desires of our heart met. And He did so because He, through His indwelling Holy Spirit, is the only one that can fulfill those desires.

Most often when we seek after fleshly blessings we are really trying to fulfill the desires of our heart through the acquisition of them. Normally, when we sin it is because we thought that through that sin we would gain some form of love or acceptance. It is possible, and only you can answer this, that the divorce you and your brother endured left you questioning whether or not you both were loved and accepted by your parents. Perhaps, you even thought that you had something to do with the divorce. If so, don't let those thoughts enter your mind any longer. Even if that isn't the case your Heavenly Father has given you unconditional love and acceptance. Do not burden yourself with how to go about approaching young women or paralyze yourself with the stigma you feel the divorce has caused. Focus on your relationship with your God, in Christ, and as you grow and mature in that you will realize how the burden of your past as well as your concern about your possible future with a young lady will not be as much of an issue.

Remember, God doesn't hold your past against you and you shouldn't hold your past against yourself. When God looks at you He sees you as His totally loved and accepted child (John 1:12). He doesn't see you as His child from a divorced home. When the time comes you will find that special lady that you desire to be with and you will find the words to say to her. And rather than being afraid of bringing up the divorce you can you use the divorce as a testimony of how God revealed His love for you. And in the understanding of that love you will have the foundation in which to build a strong marriage. Who knows, you may be able to use your experience to comfort someone struggling with the same thing you are dealing with now. And then you will be able to exclaim, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)." I hope this helps. May God continue to reveal to you the blessings you already have in Christ.