A: Thank you for your questions. Absolutely, this man needs to get divorced and then marry the woman he has been living with for over 20 years. I am going to assume that this man is involved in a sexual relationship with this woman he has been with the past two decades. They are both guilty of multiple sins. The first one that comes to mind is that they have been involved in adultery for over two decades. Adultery is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man or woman and a partner other than the legal spouse. God is clear about His feelings on adultery. "You shall not commit adultery (Exodus 20:14)." Secondly, these people are guilty of fornication. Fornication is voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other. "Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness ... (Galatians 5:19)" There is no question about what these people should do.
You are correct in saying that the sins of this couple are forgiven by God. He is not counting their sins against them because of the death of Jesus Christ. However, if the man is a born again Christian, there is something deeper that needs to be addressed besides the sin he is trapped in. He needs to answer the question, "What Jesus did he accept that makes him feel justified and comfortable living the way he has been living for so long?" It is not the Lord who is leading him into the depths of such sin. He is either believing something wrong about God or he is not truly saved and does not know Him at all. Most likely he, and the woman he is involved with, is believing he is receiving something from the sinful relationship that he is not receiving from his relationship with God. Your first step is to go to them in love and tell them about your concerns. "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted (Galatians 6:2)." If he is claiming that being forgiven is God giving him permission to sin, he is mistaken.
"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer (Romans 6:1-2)?" The grace of God is not a license to sin. While they may be free to sin, it is not an act of love to sin against your neighbor. Regardless of what this man thinks, his sinful relationship is not a loving one. Obviously, the woman recognizes that their relationship is wrong. But, they must do more than acknowledge that it is wrong and take action. By continuing to participate in the relationship, she is only encouraging the relationship to continue in its present form. If she is going to stay with this man, who does not see anything wrong with their arrangement, then he will not end the relationship, divorce his wife or marry her. They either need to get married or end the relationship. "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9)." Neither they nor God are being edified by continuing to live in sin. My advice is for the relationship to be ended. The man is still married! Therefore, the option of getting married to this new person is not really an option.
Besides the sinfulness of the relationship, the practical side of the relationship needs to be addressed as well. The legal ties this man has with his wife are still in effect. This can effect the future he plans on having with the woman he is presently dating. The wife may be able to take him to court which could severely effect his finances. Whatever debts he and his wife have incurred over the years will still have to be paid. This could adversely effect his ability to get loans, bank accounts and other things required to build a new relationship. It is just a mess. When it comes to sexual immorality, the Bible has a clear message. "Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything (1 Corinthians 6:12)." As mentioned before, they are free to continue in this sinful relationship, but is it really beneficial for them to do so? There are all kinds of spiritual, emotional and financial problems that this relationship can cause because the sinfulness of it has mastered them. Ultimately, the salvation of both people involved needs to be addressed.
Just knowing that something is sinful and wrong is not necessarily reason enough to discontinue the behavior. After all, this relationship has gone on for a long time in spite of the knowledge that it was wrong. This couple needs to realize that they may have a problem far worse than an immoral relationship. They both may be spiritually dead to God in sin. In other words, they are exhibiting behavior consistent with that of unbelievers. "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9-10)." They are trapped inside a relationship that is more consistent with the wicked behavior of those going to hell than that of a born again Christian. Pray for this man and woman and, most of all, tell them about what their lifestyle is saying about themselves and God. They may not listen to you, but you will have done what you could to help. Get others involved if you have to in order to get your concern taken seriously. But, if they do not listen then hand them "over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and [their] spirit saved on the day of the Lord (1 Corinthians 5:5)." Grace and Peace.
8 comments:
Why would someone even want to still be married if they are not even with that partner and with someone else ? That to me is bazar.
I personaly don't see some coulples who are not legaly married as sinning .I think that if a coulple comes before god and makes a commitment of marriage together they are married .No legal piece of paper needed .
To me the system of legal marriage is corrupt and not of god . I stand against that .
Excellent response Ian. You expressed the total forgiveness of God yet showed how incompatible it is as a Child of God to continue in sin.
Dennis
Thank you for your comment. There are a multitude of reasons why someone would want to remain married to someone they are not with and still be in a new relationship. One of the main reasons would be a form of control that one person may have over the other. In this particular case, the husband can keep his wife from moving on in her life by remaining legally married to her. If the wife wants to move on she may be forced to capitulate in some manner to her husband. This could fuel some sense of pride and self-worth he feels he needs to stimulate. Ultimately, he is in bondage to her just as much as she may be in bondage to him. In the end, it may destroy them both. As I tried to allude to in my post, all parties involved need to start with their relationship with Jesus Christ. Once they come to Him by faith or understand what it is that he offers them, all these issues with relationships and marriage can begin to fall into place.
As far as unmarried couples not sinning, that is an opinion not in agreement with the word of God. From the beginning God said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh (Genesis 2:24).” God clearly affirms marriage by designating the woman a man will leave his father and mother for as his wife. Furthermore, what defines coming “before God”? If it is not a legal union, it may not make much of a difference to a couple until the issues of property and material possessions come into play. Then they will wish there was some legality involved to their union. And, if you don’t have a standard of marriage, what is to stop a fluid definition of marriage that is only defined by each individual couple? There are a ton of problems that come from that as we see today with the struggle to keep the definition of marriage as a union between a man and woman.
The Bible talks about times when “every man did what was right in his own eyes (Judges 17:6).” When we individually decide what is right and wrong, then the result will be chaos as everyone will be their own god and decide the way things should be. That sounds good until what one person believes conflicts with what another person believes. Then how do you decide who is correct? Without a standard of truth, like the Bible, the most common result will be violence. And the victor will be the one whose “standard” of right and wrong is instituted. The Bible says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).” I recommend trusting in the Lord when it comes to matters such as marriage. Otherwise, relying on our own understanding will only prove why we should have listened to God in the first place. The system of marriage may be corrupt, but the standard of marriage as defined by God is not. Grace and peace to you.
Thank you, Dennis. I appreciate your feedback.
There is no "Thou shall be legally married." If it were it would be a law and we are no longer under law but grace.
I think of Christ's early ministry of turning water into wine at a wedding. This wedding was a legal and public event.
Since Christ confronted many of the legalistic Pharisees by showing them the heart of the law rather than the letter of the law I would have expected to see Him contrast the legal marriage.
Paul wrote about marriage as being between one man and one woman. This is not a law but what is best. Would the Holy Spirit living in and through a believer tell them to just shack up?
I would admit under grace we free but we should not use our freedom to gratify the flesh. Why would a couple who are In Christ and desire to love and serve one another want to be bad examples for society? When God instituted marriage in Geneses it was for the good of society. The bible is full of examples of men who departed from this concept and the consequences that resulted.
Why not be good examples for the society we live in. If the system of legal marriage is so corrupt then I would expect believers to be in the forefront of what is good. I know so-called Christian marriages fare no better that secular marriages but why give in to that statistic. The majority of our society probably cheat. Should Christians have the same attitude?
We have social laws against stealing or murder etc. Under the New Covenant we are no longer under the Old Covenant Law so I could go ahead and steal to get what I want. No, says Paul get a job and help those in need.
This is a heart attitude not an obedience attitude.
A legal marriage is a couple (man and woman) committing their lives to each other in public.
Our legal system will protect the assets of the marriage in the event of death. The survivor or children will be declared legal heirs. Even if there were no certificate you will have witnesses.
Dennis
I am not legaly married and I do not believe I am sinning . My girlfriend and I both believe in jesus ,we got together fell in love and decided to just be married .We made vows to each other and as far as we are concerned we are married . Neither one of us wanted to be legaly married because both of us had bad experiences with previous marriages and its legal system.
God does not always require us to obay the laws of the land if its not godly .If a law was made that everyone must take a computer chip implant would we obey and take it ? I wouldn't . What if they made a law that requires us to give 95 % of our eanings to the goverment ?would we do it ? I wouldn,t. The legal marriage system is the same way . For example -In california a man can marry a woman(or the other way around) and get divorced the next day and be entitled to half of everything their parner owns .This happens all the time in california .
In some other countrys one doesent need a legal peice of paper .
God knows our hearts , Wheather we are legaly married or just married.
I also wanted to ad that in california a person can be married for 1 day get divorced the next, and the person they divorced has to pay them alimony for life !
I am not here to convince you that what you are doing is sin. Regardless, if it is or not, God is not holding it against you. But, whether you realize it or not, you are proving the scriptures correct by your comments. In a previous post, Proverbs 3:5 was mentioned. In this verse it says to “not lean on your own understanding.” The majority of your comments start with “I.” “I personally,” “I think,” “I stand,” “I am not,” “I do not,” “My girlfriend and I,” “I wouldn’t” and “I also.” You may not agree with this, but you are coming across like you are the one that determines what standard of truth we are to judge things by. This is made more evident by you offering up hypothetical evidence about being required to take computer chip implants or that your past bad experiences are justification for not getting married. Yes, the Bible does talk about obeying God over government and that governments can be corrupt. But, it also talks about God controlling the government and for us to obey the government. However, throwing scriptures back and forth is not conducive to finding common ground, if there is any to be found, in this discussion. You are going to do what you want to do regardless of what is said in this conversation.
In closing, there are just two final points that I want to make. First, you mention the problems you have with California’s divorce laws. If you and your girlfriend are not going to ever separate, then getting married should not be an issue because you will never get divorced. Thus, concerns over having to give up “half of everything” you own should not be a problem. Secondly, you make the point you and your girlfriend “fell in love and decided to just be married.” Well, if you consider yourself to be married to her, it is interesting that you still refer to her as your girlfriend and not your wife. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the subject. Grace and Peace.
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