Sexual Healing, Part 2

Q: My life circumstances have me paralyzed and desperate. My wife is self absorbed and doesn't care about being married. She just wants to be left alone to do what she wants. I pray most days that the Holy Spirit will live His fruit through me and I am nicer to her, but she just isn't interested in marriage or being a mother to her son. I am out of work disabled being supported by her, so I feel like a freeloader. I don't trust anything about her because she lies all the time. She could be having affairs and I would never know it. I have given up much on the church and small groups because everyone is on a time schedule. The long and short of it is that in my hurt, like a person who cuts themselves, I sin on the internet. I am more angry at myself for not being a better christian in the circumstances so I get down and look at sites I shouldn't, usually leading to lovemaking stuff where I start having fantasies of her with others. I gave my life to Christ 6 years ago from a hardcore porn addiction. I don't indulge nearly like I used to...but in weakness now, not because I happily run to it, but because of vulnerability. I don't know what to do anymore because I don't know how to get the anger out without sinning.

A: I am sorry to hear about your marriage troubles. I want to continue to encourage you, if you haven't already, to do that study on your identity in Christ that I mentioned in the previous message. That will go a long way towards your desire to have the Holy Spirit "live His fruit" through you. Remember, the fruit of the Spirit is just that, the fruit of the Spirit. It is not your fruit. Be careful not to fall into the trap of looking for opportunities to bear the fruit of the Spirit as doing so will most likely result in you putting pressure on yourself to behave in a certain way that is not of the Spirit and more of your flesh. If you want to be nicer to your wife, it starts with realizing how "nice" God has been, and is, towards you. The Bible says that, "In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins (1 John 4:10)." Love comes from God. We cannot love another person  until we realize and experience God's love for us. How has God loved us? 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 can give us a clue. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." As God begins to show you the depths of His love for you, you will start to notice that you are beginning to love others as He loves you.

Loving others as God, in Christ, loves you does not guarantee the one you are loving will experience a change of heart and a change of behavior. It will, however, give you a peace about your circumstances as you begin to trust in and depend on the Lord. You say that you feel like a freeloader because of your disability. I do not know if your wife is contributing to this feeling by the things she does. Regardless of the origins of your feelings, keep in mind that God is not accusing you of a being a freeloader. Accusation and condemnation comes from the devil, not from God. Revelation 12:10 refers to the devil as the "accuser of our brothers." However, because of the death of Jesus Christ, Colossians 1:22 says, "But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation." You are free from accusation. The circumstances of your life, combined with you not truly knowing how God feels about you, gives the devil ample opportunity to get you down on yourself and questioning where God is in your life. Along these same lines is how you mention that you sin because you are hurt. That hurt is not coming from God. Romans 8:1, says, "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Condemnation and feelings of hurt can come from many places, but they are not coming from your God.

You may have given up on churches and small groups because "everyone is on a time schedule," but I must ask you, "What expectations did you place on your church or small group?" It is my experience, and I am not saying you believe this, that we can feel involvement in these things will result in the circumstances of our lives changing for our benefit. There is no guarantee that will happen. If that is the case, having an unrealistic expectation will only lead to more disenchantment, depression and incorrect conclusions about your life and God.  Studying the scriptures, whether in a group setting or on your own, is designed to help you understand God's truths. Once you are presented with those truths, you then respond in faith to them. One thing I am learning, is to ask the Lord, "What can I learn about You in the midst of my circumstances?" I truly believe that the Christian life is not about getting God to change our circumstances, but getting to know our God in the midst of our circumstances. In Philippians 4:11-13, Paul says, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." He learned that being content did not originate in his circumstances, or the people around him, changing, but through the strength he received as a result of knowing who He is in the eyes of the Lord and all He has been given as an inheritance of his faith in Jesus Christ.

You say that you do not know how to get the anger out without sinning. Anger is a secondary response to fear, in my opinion. Does fear come from God? No. 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." Again, God loves you perfectly. Therefore, any fear you are experiencing may stem from you not experiencing God's love. And when you are not experiencing God's love and your life is not going the way you had planned, it is easy to believe that you are being punished by God for some reason. Therefore, rather than running to your God in your time of need, you turn to sin in hopes that it will provide for you what you do not believe you are receiving from your God. In your case that sin is pornography. You have to be convinced in your heart that your sins, the sins being perpetrated against you by others, are not being caused by God as punishment, nor do they separate you from Him. For six years, whether it seemed like it or not, God has been with you. He will never leave you. However, because of events in your life, the poor Bible teaching in your life or whatever the reason, you have felt God was separated from you. Until you purpose in your heart and mind to look at yourself from God's perspective, you will most likely not see a change in your dependence on sin. While your wife is accountable for her own actions, if what you say about her is true, it only shows the problems she has in her relationship with the Lord, or lack thereof. As you begin to learn who you are in Christ Jesus, she will begin to see you bear His fruit, and perhaps she will experience a changed heart, which will lead to a change in her behavior towards you.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." You will not experience a change in your life by desiring to be a better Christian. Rather, you have to change your thinking. The best way to do that is to get into God's Word and allow Him to plant His truths on your mind and in your heart. That is the only way in which to see a change in your life. God has not promised that your life circumstances would meet your approval. In John 16:33, Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” I would consider your marital problems and struggle with sexual addiction as evidence of "trouble." But, you are an overcomer because of your faith in Jesus Christ. You just don't believe it because of the trouble in your life. You don't have to be vulnerable to the point that you feel your only option is to engage in sin. In Ephesians 6, the Apostle Paul is encouraging the reader to put on the "full armor" of God. In Ephesians 6:17, Paul writes, "Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." A helmet protects your head and more importantly, your mind. And the only weapon mentioned is the word of God; the sword of the Spirit. In other words, you guard your mind, which is the key to guarding your heart and ultimately, your behavior, by knowing the truths of the Word of God. Remember, when Jesus was being tempted by the devil in the wilderness (Luke 4), take note of how He responded to every temptation. He responded by saying "It is written." That is a direct reference to the Scriptures. When you know the truth of God's Word you will protect yourself from the lies of the devil.

I pray this has been helpful to you, my friend. Grace and Peace to you.