Every Man's Battle

Q: My father watches porn and I don't think he knows that I know. How do I approach him to stop and still be respectful?

A: Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you have to endure your father's dependency on porn. I say dependency because he is relying on pornography to supply some sort of aid or support to his life. It is a coping mechanism perhaps for deeper needs in his heart that are not being fulfilled. I used to be dependent on alcohol. I saw it as a form of escape that helped me deal with the stresses of normal life. Eventually, what I realized was that the alcohol did not truly meet my needs, but only exposed what was truly wrong in my life; that I did not have a relationship with God through faith in Jesus Christ. This could be the case with your father. You did not mention if your father is a Christian or not, but regardless, his dependency on pornography is evidence that his relationship with God is missing something. He is either an unbeliever in Jesus Christ, and does not know God at all, or he has accepted Jesus Christ as his savior, but does not know all that the Lord has blessed Him with that would relieve his struggle.  Now, there are plenty of passages in the Bible that talk about the sin of sexual immorality. However, knowing something is wrong does not always stop somebody from engaging in sin. With that said, perhaps I can offer a solution that can help you talk to your father.

My suggestion on how to approach your dad and not be disrespectful is to ask him something like, "If you found out I was involved in pornography, how would you feel?" As his daughter it may serve to get him to think about what he is doing. Each time he views pornography he is looking at someone's daughter, sister or mother, not to mention the men involved. Imagine how the father's of all those women he has looked at, lusted over and fantasized about, would feel if they saw their loved one engaging in such a terrible sin. As a loving father, I would hope he would be disgusted at the thought of you being involved in something like that and it would get him to think about what it is he is engaging in. Of all the passages in the Bible, there is one that stands out the most. During His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:28)." When your father is looking at pornography, he is committing adultery according to Jesus Christ. Now, most of us consider adultery to be the physical act of having an extramarital affair with someone who is not our spouse. While that is true, Jesus is pointing to the origin of that particular sin. The sin begins in the heart of the one guilty of committing it. When your father watches porn, the sinfulness of his heart is being displayed.

Earlier, I stated that your father's dependency on pornography is an indication that something is missing with his relationship with God. One of the best ways to get someone to abandon one thing, in this case pornography, is to replace it with something better. For example, if you have a child who still plays with a teddy bear, the worst thing to do is to just take the teddy bear away. The child will rebel by screaming and shouting; basically being inconsolable. However, if you get the child a puppy, they will drop the teddy bear and never miss it. The puppy is living, loving and fast becomes the child's best friend. It can be the same with the Lord. God created us to be indwelt by Him to the point where God's presence within us is indispensable to our ability to function properly. When a person is not having the deepest needs of his heart fulfilled, the only alternative is to try and fulfill those needs with sin. Your father's need for unconditional love, total acceptance, meaning and purpose to life are not being fulfilled and pornography is one way he is trying to meet that need apart from a relationship with Jesus Christ. The Bible says, "The spirit of a man is the lamp of the Lord, searching all the inner depths of his heart (Proverbs 20:27)." Without the spirit of God indwelling your father he will never have the needs of his heart met or know how much God loves him and he will continue to be trapped in his sin. 


Jesus Christ is the "puppy" your father needs and the pornography is the "teddy bear" he is clinging to. He needs the living God to love him and give him an alternative to sin. It is imperative that your father understand that what he truly needs is the life of God only available through faith in Jesus Christ. Salvation is the restoration of the life of God made available as a free gift to all who accept Jesus Christ as their savior. Your father's struggle with pornography will only get worse and morph into other destructive sins. Unless and until he realizes the destructive path he is on, he will never fully satisfy the needs in his heart that God wants to meet. My prayer is that you can convey to him that his sin is hurting you and that it will only lead to greater sin in his life. Ask the Lord to help you speak with your father in love and that he will be receptive to your request. Remind him that Jesus Christ is waiting at the door of his heart with a simple message. "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me (Revelation 3:20)." Jesus Christ wants to fill the need of your father's heart by giving him the Holy Spirit of God he was created to receive. The Lord wants your father to know how much He loves him and wants to be his best friend. God is using you and will continue to use you to soften your father's heart to the Lord. He will guide you in the best ways to approach your father so that he will respond to your love and the love of Jesus Christ. May you continue to experience the loving hand of Jesus Christ on your life in this and every situation you encounter.