Christian Dating

Q: I'm single, I've recently met a girl, I think I like. However, I'm returning to University in September and she starts her first year of University in September. I came to the conclusion it would be unwise to ask her out, in the event it could turn into a relationship. I wouldn't want her to have such a pressure during her first year and I don't think I have the time to balance a relationship with my second year studies. She goes to my home Church so I'll see her during the holidays. Do you think I should wait until after I finish University to pursue a relationship and see if I still like the same girl? If not how long should I wait to ask out this particular girl? (I've only known her for four weeks).

A: Thank you for your questions. Unfortunately, there is not an easy answer to your dilemma. However, there are some questions that must be answered. Does this young lady you have met have an interest in you? Nowhere in your statement do you say that she is interested in you or even knows that you have an interest in her. Do you know if she is desiring to date someone given the fact that she is preparing to go off to school herself? She may have reached the same conclusion you have reached about dating. However, you are asking what to do when you admit to have already reached the conclusion that it is "unwise to ask her out." She may be dating someone and, therefore, you would have your answer. I would suggest that you approach her and talk to her about your feelings. This may help to alleviate any speculation you are having about a relationship with her. While you may be nervous about approaching her, you owe it to the both of you to let your feelings be known. I know from personal experience that she would probably appreciate you being honest with her. Besides, what happens if you find out that she does like you, but because you never approached her she thought you did not have an interest in her? It is easier to make decisions with all the facts.

If by chance you find the courage to approach her, all your concerns about balancing a relationship while in school may dissipate. I say this because if you two have a mutual interest in each other, you will find time to fit each other into your perspective schedules. Furthermore, it sounds like the two of you are attending different universities. Therefore, the biggest thing you will not have to worry about is actually dating each other or seeing each other because you are not attending the same school. Plus, with modern technology, distances can be shortened. With tools like social media, Skype, cell phones, texting and so on, you can still keep in touch with each other while going to class. While it is difficult to be separated from someone you care about and are interested in developing a deeper relationship with, the distance may help you in some ways. One of the biggest obstacles to deal with in any relationship is physical intimacy; i.e. sex. Even Christians struggle with trying to abstain from it prior to being married. Being separated from each other eliminates the physical temptation, if not the mental temptation. Therefore, you both can truly get to know each other spiritually and mentally without the distraction provided by your physical attraction.

The Bible does not specifically address your situation. However, it does talk about love and dating in general terms. The Bible says for Christians not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). The two of you are born again Christians, I presume. However, being equally yoked is more than just your shared faith in Jesus Christ. You want to know what each of you believe about the Lord; the common salvation you share and what you believe about Jesus and the Christian life. You want to discuss if your goal is to one day be married or just date. Simply dating can lead to all kinds of problems and sinful situations like I previously mentioned. You don't want to get caught up in a casual, worldly-like relationship that does not have marriage as its goal because the Bible says, "it is better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9)." Ultimately, I would hope that the two of you realize that it is not an act of love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) to be involved with someone you do not plan to marry. Ultimately, Jesus said "everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another (John 13:35).” The way you treat your sister in Christ reflects how well you are experiencing the love of Jesus Christ for yourself.

You want to be known as a brother in Christ who displays good character when dealing with others (2 Corinthians 1:12). You want to be as honest as possible with your sister in Christ (2 Corinthians 6:7). In your dealings with her, be humble and not proud (1 Peter 5:5). And, ultimately, you want to be led by the Spirit of God (Romans 8:14). Ask the Lord to show you how to approach this young lady in sincerity, humility and honesty so that she will receive you in the manner in which you want to be received. I cannot stress enough that you simply approach her. There is nothing more frustrating and debilitating than not knowing. You may discover that all of your preconceptions about her and any relationship with her are unfounded. Jesus said the truth will set you free. This is true in more areas than just knowing Him as your Lord and Savior. It can be true in our everyday dealings with people. Knowing the truth about how this young lady feels about you will set you free from wondering what to do. In general, it does not matter that you have only known her for a month. Waiting until after you finish school may be too late to pursue a relationship with her. Besides, if you are in school, your feelings for her may diminish because you have not kept in contact with her. My advice, and it is just that, advice, is to make your feelings known for her. Once that happens, many of these questions you are struggling to find answers for will be answered. In the midst of it all remember to "pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17)." I pray you find the answers you seek.